The Unthinkable

If like me you are a sensitive animal lover, this is not an easy read.

It was a happy day.  I was counting down the sleeps until Pete would be home and had baked birthday cupcakes for my Aunt and Uncle for their birthdays.  I opened the garage and packed the boot ready to head down the road to the folks and my aunt and uncle to celebrate.  Pulled out the garage and hit the remote to close it, set the alarm and another click to open the gate behind me.

tree-4

I reversed and realised something was not right.  Reverse a little more and there laying in the driveway was my girly in pain, suffering because I had reversed the car over her.  I screamed and flew out of the car.  I sat next to her – what have I done!  I went hysterical all the while calling Pete, my folks and trying to get hold of our vet.  What have I done.  This is inconceivable!  This can’t be real.

I did not see her while packing the boot.  How could I not see her if she was laying sleeping on the driveway.  How did I not see her in the reverse camera of the car.  How did the sensors not pick her up!  How could this even be a possibility!

The dear old thing is somewhere between 18 and 19 years old and is mostly deaf, her muscle mass has withered away and for the most part has no voice to meow either although she has the faintest of purrs and even though she tries really hard, misses her litter tray sometimes.  She can’t always get onto the bed either and now this!  I am in a state of complete and utter disbelief trying not to vomit from shock and disgust with myself.

tree-2

The vet (not ours – he was too far away so the folks raced me to the nearest one) – I did not like him, told me to stop shouting at him!  What’s wrong with this man.  Can he not see I am hysterical and in distress from what has happened!  He assessed Tree (Pete named her Tree as he found her in a tree in the garden) and said her injuries weren’t as bad as they looked – the looked awful, they still haunt me but considering her age and fragile state, he felt the best option would be to let her go but was happy to operate if her little body could take the 2 hour operation after which would be a tough recovery and rehabilitation.  It was all a blur although I had a moments reprieve when he said her injuries weren’t as bad as they looked and asked him to ring Pete in Kenya to please explain all he had just explained to me and the folks.

The hardest decision of life was made and I sat and held onto her as the vet injected her.  She went so peacefully while I screamed and cried uncontrollably.  I brought her home and buried her under a yellow wood tree.  I sit and talk with her and ask her to forgive the indescribable thing I have done.  I am battling to live with the guilt and pain and hope by sharing this will fill me with some peace and solace.

I have the most incredible family and friends who are all telling me how it was all just a horrible accident and how I could never do anything to hurt any animal.  I know that logically but emotionally I am completely broken, shattered and sick to my stomach.

tree-3

I hope I will one day be able to forgive myself for what I have done and be able to get the image out of my mind of my girly laying on the driveway.  It kills me!  It is in my mind all day.  Pete has taught me as soon as the image comes into my head to immediately replace it with another one of Tree, a happy love filled image of her.  It helps.

Girly, I am so incredibly sorry for what I have done.  I am broken and sick over what happened.  I am always so careful.  I have no idea how something like this could have happened.  Please forgive me sweet darling Tree.  I love you.

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50 thoughts on “The Unthinkable

  1. Oh my dear broken hearted friend, what beautiful images to share of your girly, Pete is 100% correct and those are exactly the type of replacement images you need to use – Tree looking cute and peaceful.

    What a difficult post this must have been for you to write, very brave, well done! 🙂

  2. This tugged at my heart, as a devoted animal lover I understand how you feel. I can’t bare the thought of anything happening to our precious kitty. I feel so sorry for you going through this, just remember it was a tragic accident and you’ll get past what you are feeling now as you remember all the good memories you have of her.

  3. Oh Mandy, I’m so, so sorry to read this post. I know this is heartbreaking for you and no matter what words of condolence and support I write, for now nothing much is going to change how you feel. Pete is right about replacing the image with a happy one. I hope he’s home soon to give you that very big hug you need, I can only send you one virtually but please know that it’s sincere. Try not to be hard on yourself, remember the happy life you gave her xx

  4. Mandy, I am so sorry for you right now. It was an awful accident, please try not to blame yourself. It is a traumatic experience for you and it will be hard to replace those last images that are in your head, it will take time. My thoughts are with you. Hugs❤️

  5. Oh Mandy I am so very sorry. I know you are in pain now and suffering for what you feel is your fault but of course you do know it was a terrible accident. I know how much you love your fur babies just from the way you always speak of them and the photos you love to share. There is nothing harder to lose one. I’ve had to make the tough decision too many times and it’s never easy but is somewhat easier if you know that you are alleviating their pain. you still don’t want to let them go, I know. I think given Tree’s age you made the only decision you could have and I am positive, deep down in my heart that this sweetie had the best life possible with you.

    Give yourself time to grieve but don’t beat yourself up so much. Yes it was an accident and you just could never have seen this coming. I believe we are reunited with our loved ones in another life and that includes all of our animal friends and family too. Tree will be waiting for you with a sweet purr and forgiveness. Love you darling, be kind to yourself.
    DIane

  6. Ohhhhhhhh, my darling Mandy!!! If only my arms could reach you now. Our family went through the same thing, but at the opposite end of the kitty’s life—our kitten had crawled up under the car’s fender onto the tire and (only briefly) survived being crushed that way, too. We were devastated, and I know you must be beside yourself with grief not only over the disaster but because you’ve had her long sweet life to love and grow further attached to Tree. My heart breaks for you. I can only say that every bit of love I can send you is coming your way and I wish you comfort and healing. The very wandering nature and nap-everywhere calm that makes cats so irresistibly cuddly also puts them in vulnerable spots, and I know that you know that. I also know that if cats even thought that way, she would never think the person who always loved her most and treated her with greatest kindness would ever do anything to hurt her. You did everything anyone could possibly do to love and keep and save her. May you be at peace.
    Sending all my love.
    Kath

  7. I’m so sorry this has happened… it’s heartbreaking and I hope you feel better, after sharing with us. In the Old Testament somewhere, it says that animals go straight to heaven when they die… fully restored to their most perfect self. Your Tree is perfect and happy, no aches, no pains, no broken bones… perfectly healthy and full of life. The only unhappiness I think Tree would feel is because of your guilt. It’s ok to be sad for awhile… we have lost so many beloved pets who leave a huge void in our hearts and our lives… and we have two very aged cats, Pebbles and Craig who are brother and sister aged 19… who my sons found tied up in a tree… and trust me they have used up ‘many’ of their lives, and we’ve had some heartbreaking moments. Jasmine my daughters dog who died two years ago, was her best friend for 17 years, who she had from before she turned three… and it’s so sad to lose a beloved animal. Be sad… but don’t tear yourself up with guilt, because I think that’s the only thing that could hurt your Tree now. It’s what I honestly believe, so I hope my words help, and don’t cause you more upset, but bring you comfort instead. If this does make you feel worse… please just delete. I’ll understand.
    Lots of Love and Hugs, *Mwah*

  8. ———My heart is breaking.
    I am so SO so very sorry, my dear Mandy.
    Such a beautiful girl.
    Such a beautiful life.
    I am hurting with you.
    I am crying with you.
    Does it help to know that Kay is w/ Tree now, holding her, loving her.
    Xxxx Love & More from Minnesota.

  9. I am so sorry to read this, Mandy, for I know how much each of your furbabies means to you. Pete is correct. Try to remain focused upon positive images and know that there are many of us who feel your loss and send you our love.

  10. This is a very sad story and I’m so sorry to hear you have had to farewell your beloved Tree in the most horrible of circumstances. It’s difficult to do but try not to be so hard on yourself – it wasn’t intentional and it was definitely an accident. The loss of a family pet is enormous and awful to go through and you have all my sympathy xx

  11. I feel so sorry for your tragic event and can feel your pain. It is so easy to blame ourselves when an accident happens like this but that is just what it was, a horrible accident. You gave so many years of love and comfort to your lovely companion and in the end, did what was best to relieve Tree of her suffering.

  12. I am so very sorry, Mandy. I know how much you love your fur babies and that you’d never intentionally do anything to hurt them…and I believe they know it, too. Yes, Pete is right, remember the good images and you must forgive yourself. You have my most heartfelt sympathy and I send you healing thoughts.

  13. Oh my God Mandy. I am sitting here crying my heart out as I read through the indescribable awful accident and the loss of your beautiful old Tree. Just tonight as I sit here on my island so far away from home and my gorgeous pup, counting the days until I see him again and now, I read this…., and I gotta tell you Lovely One…. I was instantly in your shoes bawling my eyes out. If we are tragic sensitive animal lovers, then so be it. I am feeling for you, I am sending you hugs. Please forgive yourself as this was just a terrible, terrible accident.

  14. Oh Mandy, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart is aching for you but I also know that you are sincerely one of the kindest souls I have encountered along this blogging journey and that your sweet girl knows that too and brings that comfort and love with her to her place of rest. Allow yourself peace and forgiveness as you remember your beautiful relationship. Sending you the warmest hug, xx.

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