The Unthinkable

If like me you are a sensitive animal lover, this is not an easy read.

It was a happy day.  I was counting down the sleeps until Pete would be home and had baked birthday cupcakes for my Aunt and Uncle for their birthdays.  I opened the garage and packed the boot ready to head down the road to the folks and my aunt and uncle to celebrate.  Pulled out the garage and hit the remote to close it, set the alarm and another click to open the gate behind me.

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I reversed and realised something was not right.  Reverse a little more and there laying in the driveway was my girly in pain, suffering because I had reversed the car over her.  I screamed and flew out of the car.  I sat next to her – what have I done!  I went hysterical all the while calling Pete, my folks and trying to get hold of our vet.  What have I done.  This is inconceivable!  This can’t be real.

I did not see her while packing the boot.  How could I not see her if she was laying sleeping on the driveway.  How did I not see her in the reverse camera of the car.  How did the sensors not pick her up!  How could this even be a possibility!

The dear old thing is somewhere between 18 and 19 years old and is mostly deaf, her muscle mass has withered away and for the most part has no voice to meow either although she has the faintest of purrs and even though she tries really hard, misses her litter tray sometimes.  She can’t always get onto the bed either and now this!  I am in a state of complete and utter disbelief trying not to vomit from shock and disgust with myself.

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The vet (not ours – he was too far away so the folks raced me to the nearest one) – I did not like him, told me to stop shouting at him!  What’s wrong with this man.  Can he not see I am hysterical and in distress from what has happened!  He assessed Tree (Pete named her Tree as he found her in a tree in the garden) and said her injuries weren’t as bad as they looked – the looked awful, they still haunt me but considering her age and fragile state, he felt the best option would be to let her go but was happy to operate if her little body could take the 2 hour operation after which would be a tough recovery and rehabilitation.  It was all a blur although I had a moments reprieve when he said her injuries weren’t as bad as they looked and asked him to ring Pete in Kenya to please explain all he had just explained to me and the folks.

The hardest decision of life was made and I sat and held onto her as the vet injected her.  She went so peacefully while I screamed and cried uncontrollably.  I brought her home and buried her under a yellow wood tree.  I sit and talk with her and ask her to forgive the indescribable thing I have done.  I am battling to live with the guilt and pain and hope by sharing this will fill me with some peace and solace.

I have the most incredible family and friends who are all telling me how it was all just a horrible accident and how I could never do anything to hurt any animal.  I know that logically but emotionally I am completely broken, shattered and sick to my stomach.

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I hope I will one day be able to forgive myself for what I have done and be able to get the image out of my mind of my girly laying on the driveway.  It kills me!  It is in my mind all day.  Pete has taught me as soon as the image comes into my head to immediately replace it with another one of Tree, a happy love filled image of her.  It helps.

Girly, I am so incredibly sorry for what I have done.  I am broken and sick over what happened.  I am always so careful.  I have no idea how something like this could have happened.  Please forgive me sweet darling Tree.  I love you.